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This message A day in the lives of dull thud and Cressida. was posted by dt on Saturday, July 6, 2002 at 13:49.
Early
Wake up. Wish hadn’t. Eyes hurt, but remain open long enough to register time as half past bullethole. Roll over.
Five seconds later
Look again at clock, slightly worried by bullethole. Over on table, gin bottle shatters.
Ten seconds later
Bullethole appears in Olga’s portrait of Lux Interior. Hide under bed.
Thirty seconds later
Peer over windowsill. Determine that downstairs neighbour - Colonel Buck Joystick, USMC (retired) – has taken up vantage point on fire escape of opposing building and is shooting through the open window at my stereo.
Cressida: ~~Now that he’s awake,thud’s muddy senses inform me that his tape of breakneck Slovakian drillcore has been on continuous playback at some horrible volume for the third night in a row. Col Joystick has taken matters, and a high-velocity rifle, into his own hands. He is quivering violently from sleep deprivation and, as the saying goes, couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo.
It’s something of a strain using the rhyming-transmutation power on an empty intestine, but the rifle disappears from his hands and he is surprised to find a mess of cream, custard and sherry-soaked sponge down the front of his shirt. I persuade thud to turn the music off for a bit, then return to some favourite epistomological conundra.~~
10.45
Wake up again. Wash two aspirin down with pineapple juice. Curse A.G Barr Ltd.’s failure to secure an American distributor for Irn-Bru.
11.10
Toilet blocked. Piss in handbasin. Inspect self in mirror. Wonder who Beth is, and why her phone number is written on my chest in lipstick. Shower.
11.25
Still not fixed chairs from party last week, so sit on table. No clean bowls so will have to eat porridge from pot. No clean pots, so use one with only a thin layer of lamb madras.
11.50
Brush teeth, leave. Remove USMC-issue hatchet from door. Wave to upstairs neighbour, old Mrs Alizar, former circus knife-thrower.
Cressida: ~~Lethally accurate but, mercifully, deaf as a post.~~
12.20
Begin scouring importers of obscure and specialist foodstuffs for Irn-Bru. Could never have imagined there were so many varieties of lentil.
1.00
Cressida: ~~After spending forty-five minutes getting nowhere fast, I put the ongoing Grand Unified Theory project to one side and get to work on 101 Reasons Why The Concepts Of Free Will And Predestination Don’t Conflict. On a whim, redo each as a limerick.~~
1.35
Get sidetracked in Matters Of Record. Buy two Flint Michigan albums and the new one by Kabuki Threat. Spacker Dave asks if I can work the desk for his new band on Thursday. Check my diary.
Cressida: ~~I’m busy, leave me alone. No, you’re not doing anything on Thursday. Agh, I’ve lost it now. There once was a fellow named Titus - ~~
Also buy two dozen blank tapes.
2.30
Foil bank robbery. Ho hum.
3.05
Pick up the current issue of extreme sports magazine AARGH! for its section on base-jumping. Though obviously I don’t read the tedious bits about parachutes.
5.10
Return home. No calls. Realise used answering machine tape to copy breakneck Slovakian drillcore for Dodgy Phil. Put new one in. Almost immediately, woman from listings magazine calls to demand review of Puddle of Mudd CD she sent last week. Dimly remember using it to play frisbee golf, with open storm drain as the hole. Ignore.
5.30
Rockets (sorry, Captain Astounding) calls, asks why haven’t been to any team meetings since – well, ever. Ignore.
5.45
Listen to new music: Forty More Minutes Of Revisionist Claptrap, by Flint Michigan and the Dangerous Presidents. Make food. Eat food.
6.25
Exclusion Principle, by Kabuki Threat.
6.30
Cressida: ~~Having gone through Samson Agonistes in Pig Latin, go back translating into actual Latin.~~
Show-off.
And then Pig Latin Latin.~~
7.30
Look around apartment. Crippling bout of ennui.
7.32
Rather premature surprise attack by Birthday Bandit. Can scarcely be bothered to kick the living shit out of him. Feel better though.
7.40
Hmm. If HE can find me, what’s to stop the villains who’re actually dangerous? Start to tidy apartment up a bit, in case need to move somewhere else.
7.45
Give up. Read AARGH!. Some fascinating leg injuries.
8.10
Rockets phones again. Ignore.
8.45
Finish off review of Horror Of The Deep concert. Put in mailbox on way to pub.
Cressida: ~~Or, more accurately, get bored with it and resubmit an old review with the song titles changed.~~
Like I said.
9.00
Meet Olga and Dodgy Phil at the Fatal Toilet. Phil has brought a girl he introduces as Nelly. Nagging feeling have seen her before. Drink beer.
9.40
Play Bernard.
Cressida: ~~The rules are simple. One player whispers “Bernard”. The next has to say it again, but a little louder. And so on. The first player judged not to have gone louder pays a forfeit. And obviously it’s more fun if there’s someone in the bar called Bernard.~~
10.30
Ask barmaid Kristy what she’s doing later. Am ignored.
11.00
On to the Seal Club to see “local ska sensations” First Tiger. Notice the bass player used to be in a low-quality teen sitcom circa 1993. Mock.
11.05
It is suggested that we leave.
11.30
Soul night at the False Address. Nuff, I think you’ll find, said.
Very, very late
Find self at home. Fall asleep.
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